


Out with a BAM

by Plouton



Category: One Piece
Genre: Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Other, bam - Freeform, writing prompts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 08:41:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18407087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plouton/pseuds/Plouton
Summary: Three Pirates and a whole lotta trouble. Barrel, Aconite, and Mako are taking the Grandline by storm and the only advice they can offer is get the hell outta dodge before you get blown away.A series of drabbles written for the AU of an AU. Somewhat accompanies Murphy's Law.





	1. Pronouns and Punches

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kurobook](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurobook/gifts), [KlonoaDreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KlonoaDreams/gifts).



“Okay, you need to calm down.” Barrel pushed themselves between Blue and a man easily 3 times her size, “just take a deep breath, take a step back, apologize to this-” they look over their shoulder at the gorilla of a man “-lovely guy, and we will be on our way.”

Blue looked up at Barrel unimpressed. “I have two issues. One: I'm not going to apologize to this fuckstick,” She points angrily at the man, “and two: I am calm. I am nothing but calm all the time.”

“No you’re not. You’re fifteen seconds away from starting a fight at all times.” Mako laughed from where she was perched on the back of a cheap wooden bar chair.

“Exactly! Thank you, Mako,” Barrel pushed slightly harder against Blue, trying to motivate her to take a step back. “You are the human personification of walking into a room and yelling ‘fight me’ at the top of your lungs. So just calm dow-”

“If the little lady thinks she can take me, you should let her have a crack at it, little boy.” The man sneered over Barrels shoulder.

“They aren't a boy,” Mako corrects.

“Well he certainly isn't a girl. Fucking okama.”

“Oooh…” Mako's eyes grew wide before narrowing. “Never mind. Blue, kick his ass.”

“Oh my god! No!” Barrel exclaimed. “Why must I be the voice of reason? You can't fight everyone you meet!”

“But I wanna,” Blue whined, still glaring at the man.

“I can't take you anywhere!” Barrel threw their hands up in the air in exasperation.

At that moment, three things happened. One, their captain came barreling through the roof, splintering wood and destroying at least three tables in process. Two, an unfortunate cook accidentally lit the stove and surrounding cabins on fire in shock. And three, Blue jumped over Barrel to deck the gorilla in the face, promptly sending him careening through a wall, and into a group of marines who were currently trying to surround the tavern.

“Oh my god!” Barrels arms flew into the he air in disbelief. “Blue you are horrible luck!”

The very self satisfied voice reposed, “You just need to accept the fact that, if you bring me with you, the worst thing possible will happen at all times.”

“Amen.” Mako nodded.

Barrel glowered. “I will kick both of your asses.”

Blue cackled, “That’s cute,” and pats her seething friend on the head, stepping around them to finish the job she started.


	2. Prisons No Fun

Barrel glares furiously at the marine pacing back and forth, dragging the nose of his loaded the rifle along the metal bars of the prison cell. The metal echoes tauntingly off the stone walls. 

"Not so tough now, are you." The man jeers, eyes trained on the three occupants of the cell. "Fucking pirates. Put a pair of shackles on you and you're no better than filthy animals." He spits at Mako, who is pacing in time with the marine, looking every bit like the monster her wanted poster claims her to be. 

Her sharp white teeth are bared, gnashing at the air whenever the marine gets too brave in his taunting. Wild, windswept hair is pushed back from her face by the mud and gore that coats her skin, muting the usually metallic white and blue skin. Pink eyes are wide and threatening, unblinking as she stares up at the marine. Occasionally, manacled hands bang against the bars, startling the marine. 

Barrel snorts in amusement when the marine flinches back, nearly tripping over his own feet, before returning to jeer at his prisoners. Cautiously, as to not damage the torn skin around their wrists, Barrel pulls at their own set of handcuffs. The iron doesn't give, frustratingly firm against their thin wrists. 

Mako doesn't flinch at the proximity of the spit, though her glare sharpens , and a promise spills from her lips, they'll come for us. And when they do, I'll rip you apart myself. teeth flash. 

The man shudders, her words ringing true in his ears. He squashes the outrageous thought. 

Barrel supposed that there is some comfort in watching Mako threaten the marine. It means that they aren't alone, defenseless, in the middle of a highly armed military base. They find themselves nodding in agreement when Mako simply repeats her threat. After all, if anyone is crazy enough to break into such a large marine base to rescuer only a few crew members, it's their captain. 

The photographer glances towards the other occupant of the cell, eyes catching on the heavy seastone cuffs, and lacerated brown skin. A the tiniest flash of guilt burns through Barrel at getting Blue thrown in jail with them. It was, after all, partly their fault. Though only partly. 

How were they supposed to know that the pink Mohawk they'd seen did not in fact, belong to Bellemere. Or that the plaza they had wandered into, accompanied by Mako, could be locked by the marines, leaving the pair out gunned, outnumber, and out maneuvered. 

Fortunately at the time, Blue had noticed the pair separate themselves from the rest of the crew involved in the fight, and chosen to follow them, leaving a path of carnage in her wake. She had been quite comfortably plowing through the marine ranks, breaking bones and flinging bodies in the air with the help of her vectors. Even Mako was holding her own, slicing into the marines soft flesh with her fishing wire, and occasionally pounding them with her fists if they ventured too close. The trio might have made it out alright, up until the heavy plaza gate slammed closed, leaving them stranded in the middle of the cobblestone yard with 30 armed and loaded cannons directed at them. With muskets pointed at the back of Mako and Barrels heads, Blue had no choice but to offer her own wrists in surrender. 

The marines had cheered then. After all, it wasn't everyday that they managed to bring in a bountied pirate, let alone three bounties, one of which rivaled even the captain of the crew in monetary reward. 

(Barrel remembers Blues swears when she'd first seen her price tag and an abandoned name, Corazón, printed in bold black letters under her smiling visage.)

And so here they are, chained and subdued, waiting to be rescued like damsels in distress. Barrel is glad that they at least look the part, with their long, beautifully flowing, silk (though now stained, torn, and probably unsalvageable) dress and immaculate makeup with wings sharp enough to pop Luffy. 

"Your captain" the title drips from the marines lips in disdain, "would need to be insane to try reach you here." He sneers bravely (though he maintains a firm 4 feet between himself and the prison bars), "face it. You lot have a one way ticket to Impel Down and there isn't a damn thing you or your crew can do about it." 

Before Mako can respond with a threat of her own - watch us-, the metal door to the holding cell bangs open, revealing the Marine captains severe face. Thin lips were pressed into a narrow line, Dark hooded eyes stared pensively into the prison cell over a hooked nose, and pink scar tissue stretched grotesquely across the mans face. Several other marines enter with him. 

The marine assigned to guarding the trio snapped to attention, saluting and shouting "sir!" into the air. 

The captain acknowledge him with a nod of his head, before returning to scrutinize the Straw Hats. His coal black eyes took in Barrel's seated position, legs tucked delicately under them, hands placed lightly on their knees, eyes burning with the promise to put someone's head through the wall, the promise to reduce this base to rubble at the earliest opportunity. 

He appraised Mako's seething form, all sharp teeth and bloody knuckles. Hunched over and ready to pounce; her dorsal fin having ripped through the back of her shirt. Internally, Barrel hummed the Jaws theme song to themselves. 

His wandering eyes stop on the cells final occupant. He takes in the lethargic girl, the way she's slumped, almost collapsing into one side, they way her eyelids have dropped, nearly concealing her golden gaze. Though she doesn't appear threatening at the moment, she is a juggernaut without her shackles. 

"Pirates," He greats cordially, "Welcome to the G-24, and your last stop before your transportation to Impel Down." He spreads his arms in what would be a welcoming gesture if he were not a marine. "For the sake of protocol, please cooperate as I confirm your identities. Ensign." The captain nods towards the guard. 

"Sir!" The man saluted quickly before pulling a trio of wanted posters from his pocket. "We have captured The Jaws Mako, Double Agent Barrel, and Corazón Aconite. All pirates sailing under Straw Hat Luffy. Standard procedure for the first two. The third is wanted by a shichibukai." 

"Yes, I'm aware of who they are. What I want to know is if they are properly subdued. I want them off of the island before their captain has the chance to retrieve them." The captain pins his steely gaze on his subordinate, who stutters out a quick confirmation. The captain nods.

"Prepare Corazón for transport.The Sichibukai wants her delivered by the end of the month. He's refusing to pay us her bounty until she's been delivered to him directly. Then transfer the other two to the G-25." Barrel tenses at the mans words, sliding almost imperceptibly closer to their friend. Mako places herself stubbornly between Blue and the marines. Blue growls a low warning note. It's universally understood that it would be in their worst interest to be separated. 

"Sir, yes, sir!" The man salutes again, beckoning another marine to assist him. They open the gate and enter the cell, cautiously edging towards Blue. 

Barrel feels a smirk curling at their lips at the marines mistake. If the marines think they could drag Blue back to Doflamingo without a fight, they are wrong. 

Barrels armament hardened foot nails the nearer marine in the knee, and launches the cell block into panic. If the sickening crack didn't inform onlookers of the bones current integrity, the marines shriek certainly did. 

Mako reacts just as quickly, launching herself at the second marine, body checking him with all the strength her 5'3" frame can produce. Incidentally, it's quite a large amount of force, easily enough to launch the unfortunate marine into the hard wall. 

The pair make their escape from the cell - hastily carried out by another pair of marines- before Barrel and Mako are inclined to pursue, preferring to stick near the third Straw Hats side. The remaining marines flee the room, leaving behind a new, highly unnerved gaurd.

"I coulda handled it." Blue slurs through her lethargy.

"We know." Barrel exchanges a glance with Mako, who has plopped herself on the other side of Blue. "We wanted to." The you would have done the same for us remains unspoken. 

Blue accepts the answer easily and leans heavily on Barrel. In turn, Mako leans heavily on her. 

"What's taking the others so long?" Blue complains into the fabric of Barrels dress. "I'm getting bored."

Mako shrugs. "Dinner?" A pause. "They'll be here soon."

"'But they're taking forever." Blue drags out her last syllable. 

"We should just bust ourselves out."

"No," Barrel interjects as the voice of reason. "We would have to bust out of this cell, find out stuff, and break out of a very fortified base without getting caught or killed." 

"But it would be more fun." 

"Blue, I love you, but you can barely speak without slurring right now, let alone fight," Barrel argues. 

"It's the seastone." 

"Yeah! She'll be fine once we take it off," Mako adds. "Come on, Barrel!"

Barrel meets Mako's gaze levelly, each trying to convince the other. Barrel releases a sigh. 

"Fine," Barrel concedes, "But only because I want to try salvage my dress."

The glare at their friends before sliding around to sit between the guard and their handcuffs. Barrel pulls a single bobby pin from their hair and sets to work on their manacles, silently and efficiently unlocking their own pair before moving on to Blue's and Mako's cuffs. 

Mako’s grin is practically feral when she finally launches herself through the gate and initiated their breakout.


	3. The Most Virtuous of Them All (blushes way to easily)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Barrel really just can't catch a break. All these people are to to get them for sure!

Sometimes the situation just calls for a scream, so I did. This was not one of those times. But, you know, I felt better after it was all over, so that’s something.

Though I suppose that doesn't make much sense out of context, so let me start from the beginning...

I think my day started pretty well. No one knocked me out of my hammock, though Luffy did try, breakfast was incredible, because Sanji is amazing, and I managed to reorganize the entire library in just 3 hours, which is actually a new record!

But all good things must come to an end. And as usual with the Straw Hats, when the good things come to an end, Armageddon typically follows in some way, shape, or form. In this particular case, Armageddon was my hopelessly romantic intrusive thoughts.

It starts a little like this:

“Barrel-kun~!” The flamboyant blonde cook whirls into my personal bubble with a particularly vindictive gleam in his eye.

In shock I stumble back, leaning against the wall and closing my eyes as I calm my racing heart. “S-Sanji-kun! Don’t do that! You-” I’m interrupted by a thud next to my head, making me jump again.

My head snaps up and suddenly I find myself face to face with the blonde, mere inches between us, and his arm blocking my escape.

“S-Sanji-kun?” I stutter out. ’Oh my god, is he going to kiss me? This is all too sudden! How do I feel about this. Oh my god what if I like him!’

“Barrel-kun~.” His voice pulls my wandering eyes, which had drifted over his shoulder to avoid eye contact, back to his own blue eye.

‘This is it. What if he liked me all this time and I liked him all this time and we were both just- No! No, I only like him platonically, stop tha-’

My thought thoughts are interrupted when the cook shoves a spoon of something in my mouth. “Eat it.”

The man blinks at me, waiting for my verdict. “Is it good? Too much sugar? Will Nami-swan like it?”

I swallow hastily, and take the opportunity to dive under Sanji’s arm, escaping the impromptu kabe-don. “You can't do that to me!” I exclaim unhappily, slapping my blushing cheeks to clear my thoughts. “Go seduce Blue!”

And with that shouted demand, I turn and run for the door. I might have shouted something about how delicious the tangerine sorbet was, but I can't quite remember in retrospect.

 

* * *

 

Honestly, my day just continued to go downhill after we that point. Following my run in with Sanji, I ended up accidentally flirting with Luffy, because ‘What if I actually like him and I've just been misreading the signs the whole time and we’ve actually secretly both been crushing on each other and our kids would be really cute if we adopted any and we would cuddle a lot and -’ “FUCKING STOP THAT, BARREL!”

My shout startles Luffy who ends up tripping over the Sunny’s railing and plunging into the sea below, only to be promptly rescued by Zoro. And Jesus Christ his abs- I need to stop. I should stop. Like seriously.

I thought hanging out with Mako and Blue would be a good idea. I was wrong. It was a bad idea. Because, I mean, first of all have you seen Blue? The woman is five and a half feet of tanned, tattooed skin, and tightly coiled muscle. And she has freckles! Which is clearly a huge thing for me. The tattoos and the freckles and the abs and the dark curly hair. And noooooooo we are not going there with those thoughts. Ace and I? Not happening. No can do. Nope. Ohhh but what if-

NOPE!

Then there Mako who’s just too cute for air. All those teeth and those pretty eyes. And suddenly thinking about Mako is almost worse than thinking about Blue, because Mako is an intuitive little shit and notices immediately.

By the time I escaped their incessant teasing of my unfortunate situation with my UNWANTED intrusive thoughts, my cheeks were red enough to make me look like a tomato.

So I made to take a walk, hoping that I would be able to clear my mind and escape these intrusive thoughts.

And that about catches us up.

I'm standing here.

In the middle of a highly, highly populated plaza.

Screaming my lungs out.

People are getting a little concerned.

Because, ‘What if that girl just there saw me and fell in love and it's going to be love at first sight. And we are going to get married and there will be bells and - I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER. SHE COULD BE A SERIAL KILLER FOR ALL I KNOW.

And you know what?

Screaming randomly in the middle of a plaza in the middle of a plaza might not be the best place for it, but it made me feel better.

I felt less good about it when the marines showed up.


	4. 20 Seconds of Gossip on the Grandline

“Mako.”

“Mako.”

“Mako~”

“Makooooooo.”

“Mako!”

“Maaaaaako.”

“Ma-” 

“WHAT!” Mako sat bolt upright, glaring at the two people sitting on either side of her. “What is so important that you two feel the need to ruin my nap?”

Barrel had adopted a suspiciously innocent expression, and twiddled their thumbs, avoiding the fishwoman’s sharp gaze. 

Blue, in contrast, met the irritated glare with a mischievous grin. “We need details!” 

Mako collapsed back on the roofing tiles with a huff. “No.”

“Yes!” 

“No.”

“You gotta!”

“Yeah,” Barrel interjected, “we need all of the dirty details. Blue’s sex life got boring to gossip about ages ago -” they ignore Blue's indignant yelp “- and you're the only other one who's getting any.”

“”Getting any”? You're making it sound like we did the nasty,” Mako complained. 

“You're getting cuddles,” Barrel emphasized. “We are living vicariously through you.” 

Mako threw an arm over her eyes. “But you have other people to cuddle with. Like each other for one.” 

“Yeah,” Blue agreed lighty, “but have you seen Law? He's got tattoos.” 

“Anyways, who says we are jealous of you,” Barrel winked at Mako, causing her blue skin to flush a deep purple, “Law is the one who gets to cuddle with you. We need our cuddles from you too!”

Blue made her agreement knows by flopping on top of Mako. “Plus, Mako's got a boyfriend~.”

“Ooooooh~.” The pair teased, and Mako's blush darkened. 

“You’re lucky I’m tired because if I was fully awake I would have already shoved you two off this roof,” Mako complained good naturedly.


	5. Aposematism

“I dispose you more than any other human I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. You are loud and wild and don't care about anybody but yourself. you act like you have the mental capacity of a five year old!” 

“Are you flirting with me?” Came Luffy’s innocent and completely incorrect question. 

“What?!” The second mans voice crescendoed, culminating at a pitch higher than it had any right to, and Trafalgar Law’s face twisted further with distaste. 

“No. No, Luffy.” Barrel, ever the voice of reason pulled A confused Luffy a few more feet away from the enraged surgeon. “He's not flirting with you.” 

“Yeah Luffy. Him and Mako are the ones kissing. So really he's flirting with her.” Blue helpfully interjected from where she is handcuffed to the ship's railing. 

Mako flushed purple and skittered out a, “Well I'm not kissing him right now.” 

“Maybe you should. He'd be happier if you did.” Blue continued. 

“I will not!” The man in question shrieked again. “Your dumbass, immature, reckless captain, just put all of our lives in danger, because he wanted to chase that stupid butterfly!” 

He was met by four baffled expressions.

“Well… To be fair… It was a pretty cool butterfly.” Mako started slowly. 

“I mean, did you see how many colors it had on its wings?” Barrel agreed. 

“And it was huge!” Blue concluded in her captains defense. “Probably at least big enough for us all to ride on.”

“See Torao! It woulda been fun!” Luffy smiled brightly at the man. 

“Oh my god, you are all actually insane! Bright colors means poison! Your captain is currently dying, actively dying, and you're arguing with me?!” 

Blue stifles a snicker. “There’s just something about hanging out with us that makes you regress from your ‘I’m too cool for life’ emo attitude, isn’t there.”

Law didn’t deign to respond and simple shot her the most lethal look he could muster. 

“Well it's a particular breed of insanity, you know?” Luffy chimed again. 

“Plus” Barrel piped in again, “ It's not like every colorful thing is poisonous.”

And Law turned with a huff, throwing his arms dramatically in the air in a way he would have never done before meeting the Straw Hats. “I hate all of you.”

Mako laughed and made to follow him. “You know that's not true. You know love me.”

Law grumbled something unintelligible under his breath. 

“And Luffy did kick Doflamingo's ass. So that has to give him some brownie points,” she continued. 

Law finally sighed. “Fine,” he conceded. “I'll fix him later. He deserves to suffer first.”

“Thank you, Torao! You're the best!” Luffy waved, before bouncing off, accompanied by a concerned Barrel.

“Uh… Guys?” Blue called, suddenly abandoned on deck, still cuffed. “Is anyone gonna, uh, let me go? Please? Guys?!”


	6. First Five Minutes After Dawn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barrel is a gift to this earth, but should make better decisions.

Barrel woke up with a headache, two pairs of broken glasses, and one shoe. They didn’t wear glasses, and the shoe wasn’t theirs, so this presented them with something of a conundrum. Obviously the only way to deal with this conundrum is with a list. 

One: They had a headache. This means they were very drunk. Or maybe not very drunk, considering their absolutely average alcohol tolerance, but significantly more drunk than they had any right to be. 

Looking around, they could easily spot the rest of their crew sprawled haphazardly across the deck of the Thousand Sunny. Mako - bless her precious fishwoman soul - had herself quite firmly wrapped around the unconscious body of Trafalgar Law (the poor man will never escape this crew) and held even more firmly in place by Luffy, who had obviously decided that the two of them needed more cuddling. Franky had passed out against flat on his back, and Chopper was comfortably perched on his chest. Usopp was arched awkwardly over Franky's left BF-37 in a position that was sure to cause cramps. Brook, who never seemed to be hungover, was quietly tuning his violin in the corner. Neither Robin nor Nami could be seen, so it's likely that they had retired to the women's cabin. Finally Zoro and Sanji had wedged themselves horizontally across the stairs to the upper deck, and we're currently becoming the unsuspecting subjects to a mischievous Blue, who had just finished drawing her third dick on Zoro’s face. 

Conclusion: A typical Straw Hat party had gotten out of hand. As usual. And Barrel had managed to get themselves undeniably shitfaced. As usual. They were not surprised. 

Two: Barrel had two pairs of broken glasses, neither of which belonged to them. 

They remember wandering into the tavern last night. Flanked by Blue and Mako, they had made their way directly to the bar, and the already slightly tipsy Barrel remembers ordering themselves a blowjob. The man sitting on the stool next to Barrel had flirtatiously offered to give them one. 

He had freckles. 

So Barrel did the obvious thing. Gently they had removed his glasses, pecked him on the lips, and requested Blue break his nose. They are unsure if Blue actually followed through with that last part, but they distinctly remember a cry of: FOR SPARTA. So it's very likely she did. 

They are unsure where the second pair of glasses came from. Additionally, they should consume less alcohol in the future. 

Conclusion: they would probably not consume less alcohol in the future, but it's the thought counts. They should find out where the second set of glasses came from.

Three: they have one shoe. Barrel was wearing both of their carefully selected wedges, so obviously this shoe, in all its black leathered, pointy toed, high heeled glory didn't belong to them. 

Barrel remembers Nami cheerfully standing on the table. She held a mug of beer in one hand, sloshing the foam over the edge of the tankard with every wave of her arms. They remember the bet: I'll cut the debt of anyone in the crew who can bring me Trafalgar Law’s shoe by 50%! I need to know how tall the heel is! Before she promptly tipped over the side of the table to continue to collecting bets on how much alcohol Zoro could consume. It’s quite interesting to watch Nami when she’s drunk. The girl has a liver that could scare the devil. 

Following Namis declaration, Barrel had promptly decided to have Mako assist them in their quest. They aren't exactly sure how they came about getting the shoe in their possession, but another quick glance in Mako, Law, and Luffy’s direction confirmed that Law was, in fact, missing a shoe. 

Conclusion: Law wears inch and a half heels. Barrel must have been very drunk liberate said heel from the Surgeon of Death’s foot. Barrel was having their debt cut in half. 

Barrel promptly decides that they were going to deal with this at a later hour. Preferably after finding some painkillers and locating the source of the second pair of glasses. 

They aren't drunk enough to deal with this shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guy!
> 
> Thanks for checking this out! In case you can't tell, this is actually the crossover collection of dribbles between my own 'Murphy's Law', KlonoaDreams' 'Gone Fishing', and Kurobook's 'Barrel of Fun'. 
> 
> Both are amazing writes and creators and have inspired me so much since I started writing, and these stories became a fun way to give back to them for all of their love and support. You should absolutely check them out on AO3 and Tumblr as both are incredible people. 
> 
> For those of you who came here looking for more Murphy's Law content, don't worry! Any of my little drabbles that I write (a surprising amount tbh) that don't make it into Murphy's Law or don't fit with the story will go in here, so keep you eye on this! I may also be up tot taking a few requests at some point, so if there is anything in particular you want to see, feel free to flick me a message!


End file.
